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Hope Moore's Live Journal

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OH MY SHIT! NO WAY!!! Jun. 18th, 2006 @ 07:17 pm
I was putting my blog posts on wordpress for when I update my site and found a post from about a year ago talking about how my mom had this DREAM (she's kinda psychic) about me and "Tim" being together at the time I didn't like him..

I said, "She pretended to call up a friend (male) of mine to tell him that I was 'madly in love with him'..GEEZ..so OFF!! The guy I think she wants me to be with is just a friend! I don't know why, but I'm not attracted to him in that way that much..Certain guys, I like right off the bat, certain ones just are guys that I wouldn't mind being friends with, but I can't see it go as far as my mom wants it.."

WOW that's CREEPY!!!! It was only a month later that I started to have a crush on this guy and became totally crazy about him a month after that..I'm eating my words now, but DUDE!! Imagine how cool it would be if her dream came true????????

Update Jun. 18th, 2006 @ 05:10 pm
What has been going on..

School

-) Graduated (again)..this was a lot more fun since I was able to talk to people I knew because so many of us graduated..I'm the first person to graduate in the Interactive Multimedia Technology: Digital Audio/Video Production Major, but yet, they grouped me in with the IMMT people..fine with me because I was near friends from Cougar News and got to sit next to Matt so I had someone fun to talk to during the boring parts..

-) Found out that registration for AUTUMN quarter at Ohio State had started a long time ago..but my tour and meeting with a councellor is on July 21st..I hope to start taking journalism classes from there starting in the Fall..

-) Lost my student loan because I have too many credit hours (192 credit hours according to my unofficial transcript)..the government counts the Ws (all of which weren't my fault!!!) and also the classes the college pays for..I have only had loans for TWO quarters! I even changed majors! Matt thinks I might be able to appeal..I'm going to see if I can or maybe changing my major to being a transfer student would help..

-) What I think my next year will look like:

Summer 2006:

MATH 135 - Statistics (Monday, Wednesday, and Friday || noon - 2 p.m.)
MATH 104 - Algebra of some sort (Tuesday and Thursday || 3 p.m. - 5 p.m.)
ENGL 253 - Regional American Writing? (Online)
* Aerobics (2-4 times a week free)
* Personal Trainer (1-2 times a week - $5-$10)
* Student Ambassador Meetings (Wednesday 2 p.m. - 4 p.m.)
* Senior Ambassador Meetings
* Teaching Photography/Photojournalism to High Schoolers (Monday, Wednesday, or Friday || 10 a.m. - 11:30 a.m.)
* Cougar News
* Scrabble Club

Autumn 2006:

MATH 148 - College Algebra (CSCC)
SPAN 101 - Beginning Spanish 1 (Flex-term/excellerated course) (CSCC)
SPAN 102 - Beginning Spanish 2 (Flax-term/excellerated course) (CSCC)
HUM 151 - American History before 18...something or other (CSCC)
Communication in Society (OSU)
     or
Reporting for the News Media (OSU)
* Aerobics (2-4 times a week free)
* Student Ambassador Meetings (Wednesday 2 p.m. - 4 p.m.)
* Senior Ambassador Meetings
* Cougar News
* Scrabble Club
* Literature and Entertainment (originally named the "Book and Movie Club")

Winter 2007:

SPAN 103 - Intermediate Spanish 1 (Flex-term/excellerated course) (CSCC)
HUM 152 - American History after 18...something or other (CSCC)
NSCI 102 - Natural Science 2 (CSCC)
Communication in Society (OSU)
     or
Reporting for the News Media (OSU)
* Aerobics (2-4 times a week free)
* Student Ambassador Meetings (Wednesday 2 p.m. - 4 p.m.)
* Senior Ambassador Meetings
* Cougar News
* Scrabble Club
* Literature and Entertainment

Spring 2006:

NSCI 103 - Natural Science 3 (CSCC)
HUM/ENGL? - Comparative Religions (CSCC)
Either logic, economics, or microeconomics (I can't remember or don't know which) (CSCC)
Editing and Design (OSU)
* Aerobics (2-4 times a week free)
* Student Ambassador Meetings (Wednesday 2 p.m. - 4 p.m.)
* Senior Ambassador Meetings
* Cougar News
* Scrabble Club
* Literature and Entertainment

I should HOPEFULLY then transfer to OSU full time as a Junior, almost Senior and get my B.A. in Journalism within two years or less..


Life:

-) I still hope to move out of my house by September/October before it gets too cold..I still like the West side, the OSU area, and North High areas..nowhere on the East side though..

-) Got an athletic evaluation for Free at CSCC..My weight/fat is "moderate"..I have good lean body mass (muscules and bones), but have to work on losing the fat..they gave me a goal of losing eight pounds of fat in a month and a half..LOL!! yeah right, I'm going to try to lose 10% of my body weight..so 14 pounds! and try to push that to 20 so I will be around 118 - 120 when I'm done! Woot!


Work:

-) Got rehired as a senior..I get a raise and we get to work 20 hours/week still!

-) I need money, so I'm going to look for a portrait studio job on top of the SALP and hope it's flexible..


Rants:

-) I WANNA TRAVEL!!!!!! I wanna go on vacation!! Indiana is NOT a vacation!!!

-) Not really a rant, but my deja vu and crazy prophetic dreams are coming back..

Gah! May. 20th, 2006 @ 02:31 pm
Almost every movie I've watched and book (or at least part of books, since I don't have time to finish all I start) I've read seems to have parts that reflect my life right now..

it sucks!

I'm trying not to think about that part of my life, but it keeps getting thrown in my face..

*Sigh*

And then there's the whole "lose everything to gain everything" coming back into play..I still don't think I'm strong enough, but I'm so tired of being weak..

OMG!! The movie is getting worse and more like my situation..grr..

The Vivid Dreams Continue May. 16th, 2006 @ 11:47 pm
So yeah..

Two days ago, I had a "mean" dream where I did something I wouldn't do..

My class went to some restaurant to eat and learn at the same time or something..

This one guy I like sat at a table (all of them were square) on the far end of the room, facing the front..

His girlfriend that I've met a few times was at the table in front of him, with her back to him..

There was an empty seat between them, so I rushed over and took that seat..

THAT WAS SO MEAN!!!!!!!!

I interpreted it as getting between them or after last night's dream, behind her back..

I wouldn't do that! It was so mean...but way was she facing away in the first place?


Ok, and my dream last night:

I was exploring this old building through a maze of rooms, each with old doors with old wallpaper or peeling paint..

One room had a bunch of old dresses on movable racks and another room had tons of shoes on shelves..

These clothes were costumes for some play or something..

the last room I went to had similar furniture as my bedroom does..

Then it merged into something with looking for a video I've made on Google Video..

Then to a dream where I was with the guy in my previous night's dream and we were studying for class (im my dream I remember doing this with him a lot)..

We weren't doing anything but studying, yet at the end of each time we were together, it felt like he was doing something behind his girlfriend's back..as if just spending time with me was in a way, cheating on her..

Weird weird weird..

I wonder what will happen in my dreams tonight..

Or if I'll have any dreams since I'm trying out this air mattress thing my mom bought..

My "Type" and The Weird Creepy Dream I Forgot to Write Down May. 14th, 2006 @ 02:56 pm
My "Type"

oh, boy..my friend the other day was trying to set me up with someone and asked me what my "type" was/what I look for in a guy..

lol..it dawned on me months ago that it has changed so much from when I was younger!

I used to like tall, skinny intellectual introverted Aquarians..now I like extroverted, dancer-bodied, compassionate fire signs..

It's weird, but here's my "in depth" analysis of what I look for in a guy:

Friendship
I don't care what Matt's astrology book said (it listed what signs I would be best as friends with, which signs are best for relationships, and what signs are best for marriage), I believe a relationship/marriage would not work as well if I wasn't friends with the guy first..I make friends easy, so I'm not saying I wouldn't go out on a date soon after I met a guy, I'm just saying I would never date anyone online or go on a blind date..plus, I feel romantic relationships are pretty much just way deeper friendships than say I would have with my best female friend..

Extroverted
At least a lot of the time..

Deep down, I'm really shy and introverted (this really shown in my middle school years) and those are the traits I hate in myself..

So what do I do? I've always surrounded myself with extroverts! My best friends throughout the years have mostly been fire signs who would drag me to new places and forced me into new situations..they got me to "come out of my shell" so-to-speak and I had the most fun and enjoyed life that way..I wouldn't be as happy with my life or where I am in my life without my extroverted friends..without them, I'd have poorer health, sheltered away, doing crap I hate for a living..heck, I might have killed myself by now because it was those friends who got me to feel better when I was down and got me to focus and the good parts of life..

So I automatically am attracted to extroverted guys because I like being around them and as I said in the first section, they would probably make good friends first..

I would prefer to be in a reationship with a guy who is outgoing and adverturous..even in small ways..like, I would love to be with someone who said, "Hey, [insert thing here] is going on this weekend/tonight, wanna go?" or "Hey, I [or you or we] have never done this before, let's go try it out!" even if it ranged from trying a new recipe, to a new event in town, to camping, traveling, or sky diving, I would like to be with a guy that is the type that enjoys many aspects of life and likes to share them with others..

And of course there's always down time, it doesn't have to be new all the time because then trying new things wouldn't be so new..so it would have to be balanced between everyday routines and time to relax together as well..

WHAT I DON'T WANT is someone who is so introverted that when I'm like, "Hey, [insert thing here] is going on this weekend/tonight, wanna go?" or "Hey, I [or you or we] have never done this before, let's go try it out!" that almost each time they are like, "Nah, that's ok." or "I don't know if I really want to..I've never done ____ before" or just never wanting to do something new or different..

of course, with my personality, I would just go do whatever on my own..and then feel bad about not being with him and feeling bad/mad at being somewhere alone tht would have been better shared with someone else..being with a guy like that would drag me down, back to being quiet and shy..back to hating myself..I never want to be with a guy that makes me feel bad without doing anything..(it's ok if they do something to piss me off, but not ok if I just felt bad for no reason)..

Compassionate Fire Signs/Duality Trait
Although, not always fire signs, they just usually are because of the extroversion trait..

If a guy ever wants me to be attracted to him, the biggest thing they need to do is amaze/impress me..I'm easily impressed, so it's not that hard..

One of the biggest things that amazes me in the last few guys I've had crushes on is their ability to be wild, crazy, extroverted, and adventurous..even sometimes to the point of almost getting in trouble with something, yet at the same time, they can be calm, relaxed, mature, laidback, loyal, very kind, and deep thinkers..

It's the way they can balance both extremes of their personality in such a productive and attractive way that impresses me..

I don't ever get bored of people, but people like this are always so interesting :o)

Comfortable
HUGE ONE!!! Especially since I have this weird sensitive thing..

Everyone feels a certain way to me on a range of "comfortable-ness"..mostly family members and certain females I've met usually fall in the "not-that-comfortable" range..my friends (female) fall into the "ok" range..and most guys feel "comfortable enough" (there are a few exceptions that I fall in the "not-that-comfortable" range, tho)..and then there are the guys I've had the biggest crushes on, that fall in the "OMFG! I-want-to-be-around-them-all-the-time" range..

Whoever I end up marrying someday MUST fall in the "OMFG" range..there is no way I could handle being with someone that much and not feel comfortable with them..

And when I say I feel a certain way, I mostly mean being within about 3 feet or so of the person and the feeling gets stronger as I get closer..The nice thing about the "OMFG" feeling is that I get conditioned to feel that way around the guy everytime I see them..

My problem is that it's WAY too easy to get very attached emotionally to an "OMFG" guy..when I don't have someone that feels that way to me in my life, I get depressed more often because being around the "OMFG" energy these guys give off is so COMFORTING..

And it's so rare to find these guys..I'm happy to say that currently, I know a few and talk to them regularly..

but, dude, in the past, this feeling is SO powerful that when we would touch even if it was something as simple as accidently brushing up against each other or something..my mind was like once, "OMFG! HE TOUCHED MY ARM!!! I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!!! AAAAAAAH!" ..it was weird..basicially what I meant was that it felt SO great..his energy was like, so wonderful, I wanted to be wrapped up in it..

But, yeah, I've never dated an "OMFG" guy..I'd hope that if I ever had, I'd be in a serious relationship with him right now or married..

This trait HAS to be the biggest trait I look for..I wanna feel good around who I'm with..it has nothing to do with personality or smarts..(although it might be delusion) I feel that this trait is actually their aura and/or their soul..

Also, this is the one trait that I almost notice instantly..I have to say almost because not everyone seems to emit their energy brightly all of the time and one of the guys I currently know didn't have that strong of an energy when I met first met..I felt there was a nice feeling around them, but it was over time that they started to "glow" so-to-speak and now glow so brightly that I can see it effect almost everyone he's around..

Successful/Determination
Success comes in many forms..from getting in shape to succeeding in life, school, or work..I'm basically attracted to guys who work hard for want they want and try their best to finish what they start (but if they are anything like me, will only finish 75% of the time (a third of which is finished well, but late))..

Family Oriented
I'm attracted to guys who care about their family and also guys who want kids someday and will be great fathers (e.g. spend time with their kids)..

Secondary traits:

Can friggin' cook, etc!
OMG, it impresses me so much when I hear that so many of my guy friends can follow a recipes, do their own laundry, wash dishes, get groceries, take care of children, and clean house!

I grew up thinking that once I'm living with a guy or married, I will have to cook a big meal almost every night, wash the dishes, make sure the house is spotless, do all the laundry, take care of the kids, and maybe even take out the trash..

Hey, I'm still willing to do so because it's ingrained into me..

BUT, I'm also the type to try to juggle all of that, PLUS have a decent paying fulltime job that I enjoy and look forward to (that's why I'm going into Journalism / teaching (maybe) now..)..I want it to pay well in case something happens to my future husband and he can't work for a while..

so basically, I have the "housewife" and "provider" mentality both..

Problem is, I currently don't cook (another reason why I want to move out..so I have everything where I can reach it and I can experiment)..I try to clean, but the way I do it is kinda OCD like and it makes my parents crazy and they tell me to stop..and trash at our house is too heavy (won't be when I move out)..even laundry is downstairs..I can't wait until I have a place either with a washer and dryer or can take my clothes to a laudromat..

I think that's why I want to move out and not in with a roommate..I want to force myself to depend only on myself if possible so that I can provide for a family later..

The nice thing is that the guys in my generation actually help around the house! so hopefully when I'm married and have 3 kids (who have soccer practice, dance recitals, karate, etc.), me and my future husband can balance out the chores and responsibilities..

Physical Traits
Between 5'6'' and 5'10'' (majority of the guys I'm attracted to are 5'8'' for some reason..maybe it's because I'm a short 5'3'')..with singer eyes, dancer bodies, doctor hands, live-saver jaw, and wrestler arms..Click here for the description at the bottom of the page..the guy needs to look like he can save me from a fire, so no tall/skinny guys..I like average/some weight on a guy and just plain look strong and healthy (even if overweight)..I don't like guys who either look too thin or too fat that they look like they are either starving to death or are going to keel over with a heart attack..

Good Speaking Voice, but can also understand me
I suck at talking..but I love it when guys have great speaking voices (even better when they can sing good ;o) )..I don't like slurrers..

I talk fast and slur myself sometimes..and I'm attracted to guys who can understand my meaning even if they can't understand my speech..

-------------------------------------------------


Of course the "Tim" (fake name) guy I keep dreaming about fits all of these traits..too bad he's dating some other girl XoP

Neat thing is there is this one dude I'm friends with that at first, he seemed cool and nice, but he seemed too introverted..over time, he's come out of his shell and now is somewhat outgoing..Now he seems really cool lol






The Weird Creepy Dream I Forgot to Write Down

Ok, I usually dream about things that I do or people I'm around in waking life, but this one was scary!!!!!!

So I'm in Barnes and Noble somewhere in the OSU campus area (never been to that exact one in waking life, but will when I start attending OSU)..

I was on the second/third level (it was up high) and Matt, Huong, Amy D, Jennifer, Sam, and Dave where there..most of them where down in the cafe area and I was talking to Matt up above for a couple of minutes..

He was wearing this god-awful hawaiian redish and black button-up shirt..it looked bad I think because it was 1-2 sizes too big for him..he had lost a lot of weight over the last year..

He went down to talk to the others and I was searching on google video and crap on my laptop..

Dave was like, handing me papers and said, "You have to see this one!" meaning funny videos..

I guess there was an ad campain or commercial that spoke in short fragmented sentences and had large block letters spell out the words on the screen, getting smaller as it went down..at the end, it would say, "The end."

There were many parodies of it online..some made fun of the length and some of the poor grammer.

The paper I looked at had a really short parody of it that said something at the end like, "So ends the war. The end."

Dave had to take a call (on his yellow phone)..

I got a phone call (still my ROKR phone) and it was from "Home"..

I answered it and my mom was like, "Yeah, one of your clients returned a photo."

i'm like, "ok..."

She answered, "He actually came inside with it.."

I'm starting to freak out because this guy was supposed to be from New York or something and wasn't supposed to show up at my parent's house..

For some reason, I said, "Is he black?" in a way like I had been trying to figure it out all this time..

Then I was like, "Just tell him I'll send him a check for $300 and don't worry about it.."

She goes, "He said there was something wrong with the matting..here, let him tell you what he wants.."

Then a voice (of a person who almost was a client and looked like a creepy guy from a horror movie) said, "I'm going to kill you." in a matter-of-fact tone..

I pictured my mom talking on the phone that whole time with a gun to her head and the guy getting impatient..

I was freaking out!

And then my mom said, "Oh, now you'll have to drive around all day with this on your conscious.."

end of dream..

the "I'm going to kill you" was from a show my mom was watching at the time and we do have a harrasser who keeps calling my mom..so it's a little creepy..

There is an almost-client I have to return items to that sounds like the client in my dream..

ALSO, I have never seen Matt wear a shirt like that, yet he claims he has one like it!

Once I move out, I might have to rely on the wifi networks (I think Barnes and Noble has one)..

Kinda creepy that this crap could happen!!!
Other entries
» "Tim" Dream, Another Dream, and Weight Loss
"Tim" Dream

I've been having them off and on, but this one has to be the most vivid one in a while..

I remember it was a rainy spring day (not really spring, more like mid-March) 2007..I went into some buildings up some ramps, but was on campus..

On the far side of the Nestor Hall East Lounge (the Noisy Lobby), by the Phi Theta Kappa office, I was standing there with "Tim" (fake name) going through his collection of iron art where iron rods were shaped into Irish and St. Patrick's Day images (because this was either near or on St. Patrick's Day 2007) and he was looking through some other book..

The lounge was empty since it was a Saturday after Spring Graduation (I was there because I had a project to work on, I'm not sure why "Tim" was there, though)..

Most of the art was just art, but my current co-worker, Jessie, came to visit us at the school that day and I was showing off one of the art pieces I liked: It was a shamrock-shaped grill!

****Shit!! Deja vu!!! I've written this before, haven't I? My darn diet is bringing back my deja vu!***

but yeah, the "leaves" fold down so you can light a fire underneath and cook things..

After Jessie left, it was really weird...

We were insanely cold and had huge winter jackets on (we both had a pastel/grayish light blue puffy coats on)..

He got close to me and said, "Why do you have to be so warm?" (kinda creepy sounding, but really it was SO SWEET I went "Awwww") and hugged me tightly..I hugged back, too because he was warm and even by this time I still had a huge crush on him (what is with "Tim" hugging me in these dreams? I don't care, I think it's sweet and would like a hug from him in waking life, but yeah, that would only happen once in a blue moon for reasons I won't state here)..

But it was weird in my dream, because he was dating someone I've met..it was either his girlfriend of 1 1/2 years or someone new that he had dated for about 2 months and yet he hugged me? I didn't care..gawd, by that time, I was just glad I was still able to hang out with him (again for reasons I can't state here)..

Another Dream

The other dream was this employee celebration (not this year, but next Spring)..

instead of on Bridgeview's Parking Lot, it was on the golf course! And HUGE!!!

Some students...okay, A LOT of students snuck in.."Tim" was there, but 50 lbs heavier for some reason..but he still looked good (hello, he has a dancer body)..

I was taking pictures galore and it was a decent day with only a little rain..and the celebration started around 4 p.m. rather than later..

There were different things to do with different live bands, too! at one point, I was crawling over chairs and under sound equipment to get a picture of Saving Jane from the front row..

This dream wasn't as vivid, but I remember agreeing to hang out all day with two separate friends on the weekend (one each day) and they were like, "are you going to remember?" and I was like, I can usually remember things a week in advance..

Another part was my doctor perscribing me 3 pills to take every day (although small, it's one of my biggest fears to swallow pills)..

Out of both dreams, the constant color theme was bright green..whatever that means..

Weight Loss

According to my crap bathroom scale, I'm still around 143-145 pounds..BUT my stomach has been getting smaller quickly..

go figure..

I'm trying to excersize in everyday things and take on extra physically challenging stuff when the opportunity arises..I'm trying to work up a sweat for 30-60 minutes twice a week..

And now, I'm trying to save money by packing a lunch instead of buying cafeteria food..that limits me to fruits and veggies and I each something small every 1.5 - 2 hours and now I'm full when I eat something small..

I try to drink only water or juice as well..

It amazes me because like, when I put my pants on my hips, my "love handles" USED to hang over the sides of my pants as much as the front of my stomach would over the front..my upper sides USED to go straight down or out (even my arms would rest a little on my sides..Large (in juniors/misses) USED to be fitted and sometimes tight on me..

NOW my "love handles" are close to not really being there (I need to lose 1-2 more inches)..the front of my stomach hangs over so much less and almost just sticks out..I can't grab my fat as well..my sides ACTUALLY go in and create a SHAPE!!!! Woot! My thighs are down a lot, too! Large shirts are loose and Medium shirts are fitted!!!

But this is lost fat, not pounds, so y'all out there, like me, who thought pounds were important, it's not really, because you can loose fat but stay the same weight!
May. 13th, 2006 @ 12:26 pm
» What the hell was in that pretzel?
Normally, my emotions range from normal to worried to depressed around this time of the month..

but I went to Walmart yesterday afternoon and to keep on my eat-every-two-hour thing, I bought a Subway pretzel (without salt)..

I ate half of it and within about 30-60 min. I was SOOOOOOOO content!!! It was weird! I felt good and happy..thing is I was like, "I gotta find out why so I can keep doing what made me happy." Usually worrying about it gets my contentness to go away, but this time it DIDN'T!!

I got lost on the way to Texas Roadhouse (thanks to Matt), but I didn't care!

That was a damn good pretzel!

LOL
Apr. 16th, 2006 @ 10:56 am
» Uzamaki!!
That was a weird movie..but it inspired a short film idea about fears..

I thought it was funny how the people (like the newscaster) didn't think it was weird that there were snail people..

lol

so, yeah, got to hang out with Matt, Jenn, Rachel, and Rob yesterday..Matt and Jenn's apartment was awesome! They have so much room!

Got to play some games on Game Cube, which was new to me, since I still have an original Nintendo from I think, 1990 and a Sega Genesis..but it was fun!

It was stormy out last night..honestly, I think this supposed pole shift I believe in is going to cause us in Ohio to have 60-80 degree weater all year long and worse storms in the Spring and Summer and I hope we don't have highs of over 100 just because it's been in the 80s in mid-April..

The storms were supposed to calm down by 11 p.m. last night, but driving home from midnight to 1 a.m. there was some AWESOME cloud to cloud lighting! Like across the whole sky!

Other than that, classes are ok, I'm just a little behind and have Bs in almost all of them..I have to be Calypso on Monday..

CRAP!!! I just got a letter that explains you need a 3.5 or above two quarters before you graduate to graduate with honors! I might have a 3.5 by graduation and graduate with a 3.5, but alas, NO HONOR CORDS!!! Just because I had a 3.479 two quarters ago!!!! GGRRRRRRRRR!

But I have been better at being decisive lately! I've decided to finish out my Associate of Arts in English within a year..Barbara is trying to get me to look into transfering to OSU earlier..so I'll look into it this summer so by fall, I might be taking classes at both colleges..

I'm going to apply for schalorships this quarter which will help a WHOLE lot with school and hopefully Rent and Car insurence *crosses fingers*..if I go looking for apartments in June, and end up deciding on Brittney's area (because of income-based apartments that I could get an apartment for $160-$275 depending on my current income), the waitlist is 3-6 months..which is ok, I just would like to be moving out in a quarter I have online classes..

But I have to talk to an advisor in the next week to find out what I need to take..I found out that I need to take extra classes to take an English Capstone..if I went for Psychology, I wouldn't have any extra classes..I'm hoping that ENGL 180 and ENGL 108 will count towards the english credits..

Whatever happens, I think it it will be fun..
Apr. 15th, 2006 @ 03:58 pm
» Stuff...again...
I'm thinking (like i have been for months) that once I get my room cleaned up, my life will be cleaned up with it..

Right now, my life feels like my room: full of crap, some stuff is great, stuff I neglect, some that's not mine to deal with, lots of trash I could get rid of if I just buckled down and did something about it..

So I'm about to go to Wal-Mart to pick up some bookshelves for my room..I've been meaning to that for ever a month now, but they are too heavy for me or my mom and at first wouldn't fit in my van..getting them delievered would be another 40 dollars on top of what I was already paying..

so I'm gonna get some stong (hopefully good looking) guys to bring them out to my van and load them..

Ironically, I'm getting the shelves and we're remodeling my room, just in time to move out 3-9 months later..

I drove some stuff up for Matt and Jennifer to their new apartment, today..I wish I could have helped more..but I can't carry anything that heavy lol..

Their apartment was GORGEOUS! When I start looking for an apartment, I'm getting them to help me because they found a great apartment (including a new dishwasher, stove, refrigerator, and microwave) that was big and clean! Of course when I look at apartments, I also think from my P.O.V. and everything would work for me (meaning in my reach, without having anything adapted)..they got theirs for $450/month..

So I hope they can help me find something at that cost or less with the same stuff pretty much, but maybe closer to downtown or the west side (I like West Broad, and could never stand east broad)..I honestly think I can afford $300-350/mo. easily with the job I have..if hours go down, I will have to get another part time job starting in the summer, but I don't think it would be that hard..if I did get another job on top of being a Student Ambassador, I could afford probably $450-$500..

I'm just suprized to see the apartment be so great with the average Ohio price..I was expecting to find (in June when I start looking) one-room with low toilets, shared half-bathrooms, with smokey walls, pull out stove and I'd have to sleep on a couch because there wouldn't be room for a bed, screwed up carpet with friendly mice, etc..

I know I could get a decent income-based apartment where Brittney and her mom have one, but everyone tells me it's a bad neighborhood..maybe because poorer people live there, but at the moment, I'm one of those poorer people and I'm not going to rob or kill anyone (ok, I would kill someone if they were hurting or about to kill someone else..especially a friend or family member)..

Oh, well..

I'm worried for Matt though..and after that phone call, for Jennifer..they seem SO tired.. :o( Jenn sounded tired and Matt had that whole wide-eyed, rubbing eyes, leaning against every wall he was near thing and looked as if he was about to pass out..

I think I bothered them way too much about how he needed to take at least a short nap..but it was scary!

I've seen what lack of sleep can do (my mom became sick with a dibilitating disease and my dad has almost recked the car a few times..I've almost hit a few people, too)..he even called Nick to help him later and part of the "helping him" was keeping him awake while he drove..

He's going down to Logan (which I've only been through once on the way to a wedding), but it's a lot of country and I don't think there will be many streetlights, so I'm like, "Tomorrow, I don't wanna hear about cops finding a truck in a creek - I'm sorry, a crick"..or slammed into a tree or him hitting a deer..with him in it..

Luckily, I think Jenn will be able to rest..she packed VERY well, btw..I didn't get to see inside, but I know when I move, it's gonna be thrown into a box and thrown into a van..Matt said Jenn used bubblewrap and peanuts..she's smart lol..

Matt said he'd help with moving my crap (good thing because my dad is the only other person I might be able to rely on being strong, so far)..I'm thinking of ordering a PODS to save gas since it would be driving back and fourth from Ashville to Columbus..

Oh, another thing..I've gotta ask around to see who would like to go, but my dad said if I pay another $100, he can get the same Florida trip open for $500..maybe I heard it wrong..maybe it's $100 for the whole thing..whatever it is, I would like to celebrate our graduation (so many people are graduating!!) by taking a road trip down to New Smyrna Beach, FL for 5-7 days in a nice sized condo on the beach..I'd like to get at least 8 people committed before I get it..one of the people would be me..

the condo sleeps 6, but I got a cot for myself and the place is so huge, people can take turns sleeping on blow up mattresses (I have one of those, too) and sleeping bags..there are 1 1/2 baths and a great kitchen and a pool..there are 3 TVs, one with a VCR and DVD player..might even get one with a balcony..Orlando is as far away as Ashville is to Columbus State (around 35 min.)..so it's great!

So - any ambassadors I talk to all the time, and even those I don't, would y'all like to go??? The more people, the less each person would have to pay..

I've mostly talked to Matt about it because he's great at getting people together..every time I try, it sucks and nothing happens, so I thought telling people who are good at it would help..

Other than that...

Ok, I was going to rant about the Newspaper, like I've been doing for 3 days now, but I won't..

I was telling Jess some of what was going on in my life and I joked saying, "My life is like a soap opera, but my character has a crappy part" lol..it's crappy because everything that seems to make it like a soap opera is negative or against me or has nothing to do with me, I just know it because friends tell me stuff..

I'm not saying that my life isn't an adventure, but it doesn't have enough POSITIVE drama..I want something to cheer about, not something that makes me complain all day..

but I have to say, I'n noticing the "plot" come together lol a.k.a. everything eventually works out..just in weird ways..like having no motorized chair ihas helped me lose weight (officially 17 pounds lost in one month!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!! that's more than 10% of my start weight!!! next month's goal: 10% which is 15 pounds lost so I hope my "accurate" weight will be 135 or less and May's goal: 14 pounds lost ending with 121 pounds by June 1st..If I can do it, I will hopefully be able to go down to 115 by my birthday (June 27), but I'll be happy with 125 because it's mid-range normal for my height)..

Losing weight, will make me able to be more independant so I can start looking for a place starting summer quarter and hope to look for the extra job, too (while taking 5-10 credit hours) and move out by Fall Quarter..
Mar. 31st, 2006 @ 07:10 pm
» I'm Tired...
This day was so TIRING:

Quick synopsis:

- Went to bed at midnight the day before
- Got up at 4 a.m.
- Tried to sleep in until 4:30 a.m., but couldn't
- Got ready to leave around 5:30 a.m.
- Left my house at 6:05 a.m.
- Even after getting gas for van, I was able to get to Graham Ford (usually 35-45 min. drive) by 6:35 a.m.
- At 6:50 a.m., had to help move all my crap to what I thought was my rental van
- Had to help move my crap to my rental CAR
- Got lost for 30 min. because I stupidly didn't watch how we got to the car rental place
- Get to school by 7:45 a.m.

Now, imagine all the next things in a wheelchair powered by myself walking the wheelchair (over inclines, sometimes backwards):

- Go halfway to Madison Hall (carrying a 10 lb. laptop/bag), then Barbara helped
- Worked on both the SALP Recruiting Powerpoint and helping people at Welcome Team (mostly Welcome Team)
- Decide it's too good of a chance not to get breakfast, so I go all the way (the long way) to get 2 eggs and my first Adrenaline drink since 1 1/2 weeks ago
- Go all the way back, almost dropping my food
- At 10:30 a.m., I go to the SALP office (carying a 10lb. laptop/bag), hoping to drop off my bag in the office..but NO! I can't get in the office because of something in the way..
- Go to my car (carying a 10lb. laptop/bag)
- Grab my books and go to class (Nestor Hall) (carying a 15-20 lb. bag of books)
- Learn that I will probably get a B in Mythology
- Go to my car (carying a 15-20 lb. bag of books)
- Get my laptop and go (carying a 10lb. laptop/bag), to Acloche (Nestor Hall)
- Had to go to the Bookstore to buy CD-Rs
- Had to go back to Acloche
- Had to go to class in Davidson Hall (Math 103)
- Had to go back to Acloche
- Burned two CDs
- Went back to Madison Hall (carying a 10lb. laptop/bag)
- Thought my dizziness was caused by low blood sugar, so I went to get a salad at the cafeteria
- The were no Chef Salads, so I got baked Lays, a fish sandwich, and another Adrenaline
- Carried the food back to Madison Hall
- After saying "I'm dead" blah blah blah, I say I can take photos for the newspaper..
- So I go back to my car
- Then back to Madison Hall
- Then I take an hour off of Welcome Team to take photos (thanks to Huong, the one nice dude, the nice girl, and others who posed :o))
- Luckily, Matt (thank you Matt) was able to push me to Nestor Hall, where there was a CLASS in the Comm Kill Lab, so we had to use the TL Building (Matt pushed..AND RAN! Not like the cops)
- So then, I was so unprepared to be Editor-in-Chief and trying to do crap late with only how to find the Y intercept in my head, oh yeah, btw, y = mx + b..
- Drank the adrenaline
- Went to the restroom, discovered how frikken dehydrated I was! So I drank some more water
- Matt and Dave are so nice, they helped me back to my car

And to top it off, the water caught up quick (caffeine is a diuretic) so I stopped at McDonalds rushed to the door.........only to find it was closed!!! Then I had to drive another 10 minutes home..

I'm tired..
Mar. 28th, 2006 @ 12:02 am
» Stuff..
Class Schedule for Next Quarter

I decided to take Color Composition to bump up my GPA..hopefully I can convince my teacher to let me do photography or digital versions of the projects..or I'm going to find some old assignments I did in Spring 2003..

Monday:
11 a.m. - 12:30 p.m. ~ Classical Mythology
1 p.m. - 3 p.m. ~ Algebra II
6 p.m. - Whenever ~ Cougar News Construction

Tuesday:
9 a.m. - 11 a.m. ~ Advanced Audio Production
12:30 p.m. - 4:30 p.m. ~ Color Composition

Wednesday:
11 a.m. - 12:30 p.m. ~ Classical Mythology
1 p.m. - 3 p.m. ~ Algebra II
3 p.m. - 5 p.m. ~ Student Ambassador Meeting

Thursday:
9 a.m. - 11 a.m. ~ Advanced Audio Production
12:30 p.m. - 4:30 p.m. ~ Color Composition

Friday:
11 a.m. - 12:30 p.m. ~ Classical Mythology
2 p.m. - 5 p.m. ~ Student Ambassador Office

Other stuff..

Even though I have officially paid off my credit card (YAY!), I have found out that I'm going to have to find a part time job or a full time job (and go to school part time) to be able to afford getting an apartment (especially since I think my Social Security benefits will be dropped very soon and that was bringing in $400/month)..

I went back to thinking of working at a Cord Camera..but then I was like, "I can do better than developing other people's film at $6/hour!" So I looked around and I'm not too worried about fining a job after graduation because I notice there were a lot of opportunities out there that I could be paid decent in a job I would actually like..

As I was telling some friends (and have said in previous posts in this blog) that throughout my life, three major themes have been in my activities: Education, Photography, and Journalism/English..

I got and getting a degree in multimedia design and filmmaking because I felt I could make money doing it..and I CAN but I don't wanna do freelance or work in a cubical 40 hours per week being told exactly what to do and do the same crap all the time..

I wanna job where I can initiate projects and techniques and work with people..and I want to be part of a team in some ways, and never want to have a job (like full time freelancing) where everything in the company depends on me..if I end up with a manager-type job or the head of something, I would like to be in a job where I can do my best, but their is always people in the company to help out where help is needed..

and if I can, use what I have degrees in a company of one of the fields I've always had interest in..

So I found some interesting jobs out there for web/multimedia work at a newspaper and other jobs that are for newspaper companies that look like fun (and have no education requirements, only exerience I already have through CSCC)..

So I'm hoping the positions are still open in the summer..one of the jobs (that I think would be fun) is full time (so I'd need to go to school part time and the money from the new job would pay loans) and they have a great benefits package including help with tuition! That's just one option..

The more I talk to others, the more people who tell me to transfer to OSU for Journalism or English or something..and then get a teaching job somewhere and teach something in the field..

Isn't that ironic? I HATED english in high school..6 years of honors english that I dreaded! Now, I'm actually thinking of at least focusing in English for my Associative of Arts (because the only other thing I would focus in is Psychology or some other Social Science and I've always said I'd never get a full time job in Psychology)..and maybe transfering on to get a B.A. or M.A. in an English-related field..

In high school, I hated writing for english (creative writing, etc.) except the year I worked on the newspaper and I hated reading the novels we had to read and didn't care for most of it except for Shakespeare and Greek/Roman lit..

Since I graduated high school, I have been collecting and reading the literature that I hated and I love reading the stuff now..and even my AVP classes got me interested in creative writing..I noticed if I'm forced to write creatively, it comes out better than the fragments I've created..

But I don't know if I'll go to OSU..

Jess told Jaque and I about how this one program, HECC, can get it so if we were taking full time CSCC classes, we could go to other colleges at the same time for free..

I'd have to talk to an advisor to figure out which college in town would be quicker to attain a B.A. (like hopefully a year or so after the A.A. degree) then go somewhere for an M.A. ..I'm hoping it would be 5 years or less to do so..the degrees I have could help me have a (decent paying) job to get me through the rest of college..

SO BASICALLY...

I'm not sure what I'm going to do..lol..

All I know is that I can't wait to graduate, get another job (hopefully on top of being a Senior Ambassador), moving out and taking fun (and hopefully easy) A.A. classes!!!

I hope that if there is any time in my schedule (I doubt it, but oh well) to still someday get that darn Book and Movie Club going..but that's at least 9 months or so from now..
Mar. 25th, 2006 @ 11:37 am
» 600th Entry! Wee! :o)
I had another weird dream last night, but the biggest part I remember was "Samantha" (fake name, of course) talking to "Tim" about how we would both choose the same scissors, but they would mean different things to both of us..she told him that to reassure him that although we are close, it's good he's now going out with "Rachel" who has the scissors mean the same thing to her as they do to him even if it was a different pair..

everything else I forgot..


Other than that..

I've gotta write it down!

I'm hoping to work on a screenplay soon that includes some crap that's been floating in my head for 2 months to 4 years:

-) Freedom vs. Security
we learned it in Psychology and I think it would be a neat take on totaltalitarianism, kinda with ideas from the movie last night (V for Vendetta (which I finally spelled right!))

-) Conflict is the child of Change and Choas is neccessary for Stability a.k.a. War is Peace
Although I touched on it in Exit Only, I wanna approach it in another way..

-) Black Bicycle Guy
What's with this one image I keep seeing on the street? It's always a black guy in black clothing on a black bicycle without reflectors..I'm thinking I could make it a symbol of guilt or a warning sign in a script..

-) A different world
One thing I want to do more in scripts is create worlds..I don't like strait-forward real-life crap..I want it to be in the future, in another dimension, on another planet, in a dream, etc. and as usual, there is something that happens to make the script sci-fi with emphasis on the science so the special ability or event feels more real..

-) Effective change
I would like to do more scripts where the ending is an unexpected surprise..

-) Use my dreams
Just like Exit Only, my dreams would make interesting movies! I based Exit Only almost entirely on a dream I had one night during screenwriting class..

-) Other stuff I can't remember now
All add some later..

OK CAN SOMEONE PLEASE READ MY SCRIPTS AND GIVE ME SOME FEEDBACK??? GO

HERE!!



As for the Movie...

2.5 maybe 3 at the most stars out of 5..I decided that halfway through the movie..

The biggest disappointment (other than not being impressed by the movie) was the lack of time they spent on the setting..

They had a change in the status quo within 10-15 minutes of the movie and I'll didn't feel like a change had happened..it was just weird..

It would have been a better movie had they showed unity amongst houses and homes, in the way people dressed and acted..so the TV broadcasts early and show the curfews and crap early and whatever the hell a "Finger" was..maybe that was a British term..

Once the audience is put in that world, THEN have the "V" dude come and rescue the Evie girl..that would have created a larger interruption and more interest in what was going to happen now that something had changed..

I wanted to see drones and dumb sheep amongst the people for at least 10-15 minutes..but what happened in the movie is just show people becoming activists and terrorists with barely any history..

They also had cool effects for 15 seconds in the most unneeded scenes..like the rain falling on Evie from above and following the raindrops..and after a decent investigative/let's cover secrets up story that had minimal gore, the end was all bloody..

And I heard it was from the makers of the Matrix? Come on! I expect more fighting or poetic movements at least and better writing..

One good thing about the movie: It was different..I had not seen a movie quite like it..
Mar. 23rd, 2006 @ 08:21 am
» Another Weird "Tim" Dream and Another Dream
Another Weird "Tim" Dream

So yeah, another weird and interective "Tim" dream..I recently found out that "Tim" has a girlfriend and the dream was like if he never met her..

Weird thing was that I got to see his bedroom or maybe it was an attic..not like in his apartment, but as if we visited his parents' house and his room still had some old toys and collectibles, which again, points toward being an attic..

Talk about knotty pine! His whole room was this neat-looking wood paneling from floor to ceiling..it was kinda cramped, though and had a wall sticking out (maybe an old closet?)..

we were goofing off with his old toys and crap, so it was really fun..we started to get close, then..

Then I got struck by lightning..through a window!

Later, for some reason there was like a video game-ish map with the men and women bathroom symbols representing us and his girlfriend and his dog..I was called the "Revered Girl" whatever that means and I guess his dog was one struck by lightning, too..I don't think he has a dog..

Other Weird Dream

I guess I'm for some reason freaking out about become editor for the Cougar News..not in waking life as much as in my dreams I guess..

it was neat, tho, because in my dream, we had about 5 new people on the design team for Fall Quarter..

Me and another newspaper person designed some pages on paper before the construction, but the other guy couldn't make it..I tried showing it to one of the designers, but they were doing their own design..the guy doing the cover didn't want to listen to me and I had better things to do at home, so I went home once I knew they were fine..

I get home and think about how the dude was putting CD covers on the cover and how that was copyright infringment..so I drive ALL the way up there..

I get there around 8 p.m. and they're done and the cover looked awesome! But had copyrighted images..but it still was cool!

So I'm stealling the idea and using it in real life (at least the title graphic/design)..

I love dreams that give me design ideas!
Mar. 22nd, 2006 @ 07:12 am
» Weird Dream, Etc.
Well, I have 20 minutes before I drag my ass and my wheelchair across campus taking down fliers for Tracy, followed by giving an hour-long campus tour to, I'm guesing, 10 people (one of which will have a baby in a baby hummer)..all in a manual wheelchair and in 3+ inches of snow with heavy snow falling AND it feels like 16 degrees outside..

Yay! *sarcasm* and the crap I wanted to get done in the office, I can't do now because they are cleaning the floors and maybe painting the walls of the Student Activities office, so they thought the Student ambassador office would make a great storeroom..I mean, no one ever uses that office anyway *sarcasm*

but yeah, I had a weird dream last night where for some reason I was crawling on all fours (like a bear crawl) down 17th Ave. between Summit and Indianola..that was weird..I was trying to get to high street, but there were more intersections than usual..it was at night and one of the trafic lights were tangled in the wire connected to it..so every time I tried to go, the traffic on my right, turning right, kept jumping in front of me..one van hit me!

Somehow it turned into being in an old building that was an OSU nursing classroom building (but it was like 1800s medicine) and it was funny..My friend and I were in there and my friend was dressed in an old early 1900s dress and these students were like sleeping on cots in the small hallway..they said they were practicing for the times they'll need to sleep on hospital beds when they are working 36-hour shifts..

Then, this one cute guy (a student) goes and talks about a time machine and how he wants to go back to the 70s..so we (my friend, the cute guy, and I) went back to the 70s..

then I woke up..
Mar. 21st, 2006 @ 11:52 am
» Ok, I'm blogging..leave me alone already lol
Well, everyone (ok, not everyone, only 3 people) has been asking me to blog or wondering if I've blogged because they're bored and need something to read..

so, because Matt just got done telling me about his blog about how he and Jenn have been dating for seven six months! Congrats you guys :o)

Oh, back to how that's related..I thought I would start this blog off with a crazy dream I had involving them about a week ago (this is written weird because it's an old memory):

So us ambassadors and our parents are at some large house for a large dinner party..

It was catered and fancy and for some reason when one of the maids/caterers put in a new air freshener (it was green), I thought it was a BOMB! (of course, disguised as an air freshener..

So I get up and tell everyone and everyone thinks I'm nuts..

To save my friends, I start dragging people into another large room with sofas, far away from the air freshener..

the first person I grabbed was Jennifer, by her arms and kinda half dragged/half threw her into the oher room, knowing that would get Matt out of his seat (he was seated across from her) and he ran into the other room..

the second person was Huong and for some odd reason, I tried to carry her (kinda like a fireman) and halfway across the other room, I drop her and she hit her head..I kept telling her that she was a hundred pounds and that I wasn't that strong..

Jess ended up following us..

After everyone was in there, they just stayed and used the couches for the party..they all thought I was nuts!

Later when somehow the "air freshener" aquired a timer and it was counting down..I tried to get my mom to get out of the room, but she didn't..

Matt tried to protect all of us..

The bomb didn't go off and everyone was mad at me, but glad they weren't blown up..

then I woke up..

Not so ironically, that's how I'd act if there was some fire or other threat..I'm a person-dragger..I don't CARE if you don't believe me, I'm dragging your ass to safety!!

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAH!

I HATE being dependant on people, much less an inanimate object..

My wheelchair has died and now I have to depend on friends and strangers to push me or get me crap..it makes me mad, frustrated, and depressed..

I hate needing the wheelchair and I hate needing to live in my parent's house..

I'm thinking I'll never get off my butt (and get independant enough to) and get an apartment if I don't start seriously looking for one..

So when the weather gets better (Spring/Summer) I'm going into full-blown apartment finding mode..Wee!

My criteria:

-) Close (meaning 15 min. or less) to downtown Columbus
-) Walking distance (e.g. 5 blocks or less) to a commerlized area
-) Decent traffic (so nothing on Cleveland Ave or East Broad)
-) Decent parking (if possible, 'cuz I can't parallel park, I'd probably park 3 blocks away and pay not to parallel park)
-) Even though I'm nieve, preferably a decent neighborhood
-) I don't mind two stories, but what if I fall and bust my head open?
-) I want my own bathroom, but I don't mind sleeping on a couch
-) I want it UNDER $400/mo. (preferabbly $300 because once I pay off my credit card, I could afford that) (including water or electric)
-) Cable internet-ready or wi-fi maybe, but a lot of my work can be done off-line (photography, etc.)

Once I lose the weight I plan to lose (8-10 pounds done, 18-20 more to go!!!!) this month (well, I should give myself 3 months, but my pound lost per day is working so well), walking and moving around should be easier..man, unless you go from being fat to thin or thin to fat very quickly, you never notice how much a little fat gets in the way..

I gained my weight quickly..around 8th or 9th grade, I jumped from about 100 pounds to 125 and when I graduated, I was 140 and I have been somewhere between 150 and 165 (depending on the scale used) for about 3 years now..

Since March 1st, I've tried the whole eat less (and healthy, if possible), excersize more, and drink more water diet and according to my bathroom scale, I'm at 147 now (starting at around 155)..

I was going to workout today, but with my wheelchair screwing up, I would have had to ask someone to push me..so until I get my chair working somehow, the gym scale (which said I started at 165) measurement will have to wait..

In my seemingly continuous effort to change myself (maybe it's some way of discovering who I really am) every quarter, I will me getting my hair dyed to lighter reddish brown again..I've tried brown/black and that sucked..I've also tried blond once, but unless I get my hair bleached, that would come out red, so I thought I'd stay near the red tone since I have natural red highlights anyway..I guess it comes from my irish/scottish ancestors..

I wander which ancestor gave me these moles..I have too many and I'm getting more every time I tan..The doctor's tested one mole (which I now have a scar from (great, lets hope they don't test any on my face)..I used to joke (when I was like 5) that my moles were star contellations (ironically, I have one mole that looks like a star and on my arm, a line of moles look similar to a comet tail)..I think I'll use that in a movie script somehow..

Other news...

I got a digital voice recorder!! It was 61 dollars, but GAWD I needed it all this quarter..so I could quote people better..
Mar. 13th, 2006 @ 07:55 pm
» Dreams
I guess the "Tim" (fake name of course..because someday he might see this post) dreams are taking the place of the "Charlie" dreams I used to have..

Last night, in my dream, some people, "Tim" and I were walking through some prison up flights and flights of stairs..

We got to this olympic swimming pool for the prisoners to race in a swimming cometition in..We were sitting up high on a bench near the water and I was freaking out that I might fall in the water..

"Tim" then took out this collaspable gate, latched it and set it into place..it was metal with chipping white paint..it looked like a theme park ride gate with rounded ends and almost a triangle shape..

As an extra bonus *wink* "Tim" put his arms around me to keep me safe (ISN'T THAT SO SWEET???..too bad it was just a dream)..

But later in the dream, I was walking by the pool and he snuck up behind me, grabbed me by the waist and jumped into the water, dragging me in..THAT WAS FUN! And then I kept asking him weird questions about why was there an area on the far side of the pool that was only about 4ft deep and where was the deep part? I was going to go out to find it but instead stayed because again, he had his arm around me and felt good just to stay near him..

In another dream, I was at school and out some windows (I think it was Davidson Hall) and I saw BLACK clouds that looked like a huge tornado..

Stupidly, I didn't believe my eyes (in real life, I'd be all like freaking out and go in to the bathroom or lol really, try to rush to the SA Office to grab my laptop (and tell friends about the tornado and "What are you guys doing just sitting here??????") and either go in the NH bathroom or go downstairs and hide in that one)..BUT NO! in my dream, I go to some old library building and go up and down the elevator until I found one guy in the whole abandoned place and he led me up some stairs to an old 7-year-old computer that barely had internet ability and waited while the dial-up connection got me the weather section of nbc4columbus.com..

While I was waiting, "Tim" comes out of nowhere and asks me what I'm doing and I tell him and he points to a TV with the "Tornado Watch" symbol on a map of central Ohio..

Then I woke up..

But I've noticed that the "Tim" dreams are more interactive than all those "Charlie" ones..maybe it's because I ironically know "Tim" better than "Charlie"..it's ironic because I've known "Charlie" longer..
Feb. 19th, 2006 @ 11:37 am
» GAH!!
What is with me?????? I've been so snobby lately...

Must be my competitive nature and how I crave recognition for my efforts..

Well, I've got a feeling that I won't and someone else will for the same thing..oh, well..that wouldn't be new..it happens all the time with me :o( I should be used to it by now and not let jelousy turn me into an unpleasant person lol..

So now I'm in a huge rush to put things into place to at least get my name out there..

I know none of this makes sense, but I can't give details..

But in other news:

I got my hair cut to shoulder length and bought some dresses..GAWD Forever 21 ROCKS!!!! It usually takes me forever to find a dress I like that fits me ok and everything..but within a few minutes, and I little help frm my mom who knows my style, I found two dresses I LOVE and each were under 30 bucks!!

It's weird because I've worn similar dresses from other stores and they look like crap on my body..

But these actually came out nice! Maybe I lost weight or something, I dunno..

Now I just need shoes..
Feb. 6th, 2006 @ 09:37 am
» :o( Matt's House, Getting Better, Classes, and Some Poetry from Me
:o( Matt's House

The house Matt has been living in caught on fire last night/this morning.. :o( His roommate, Nancy's room burned, but luckily she wasn't there and Matt and Jenn got out ok and his stuff didn't get damaged..

I went to see if I could help today, but ended up taking photos of the damage mostly..

It sucks I couldn't lift and carry boxes out :o( I wanted to help, but felt in the way and useless mostly..However, I was able to open the door for him and his family..so that was something..

His family (I met his mom, brother, sister-in-law, and nephew) was nice..his nephew was great at pool! he even came up with cool trick shots!

Jenn came over and helped out, too..

We smelled gas and eventually Matt called the fire station and they brought over four or so fire trucks just to check out the gas smell..

Luckily, Matt got his stuff out and he doesn't have to worry too much about it now..

Getting Better

Matt's stairs got smaller! lol j/k..

Ok, the excersizing must be helping somehow because I noticed a huge change in how much I can do!

The first time I went to his house for a party was in August and I had to use crutches to walk down the sidewalk and up his steps (with help, too)..

The morning after the party was TOUGH because I had to use my crutches to go up the stairs slowly and shaky to get my purse from Nancy in her room..Once she gave it to me, I had a hard time trying to figure out a way down..I was afraid of falling and that my purse would knock my crutch out from under me..

I couldn't sit down and I was SO sore and stiff and freaked out that I almost cried..I was about to pass out from exhaustion and everything! BUT I finally found a way to get down the stairs, out the door, and to my car...ALONE! Woot!

It was a way of "throwing me into the fire" so to speak and it helped me a lot to show me just how much I needed to get better at taking stairs and walking and quit fearing falling..

NOW just tonight, I parked in the parking lot and walked without crutches about 2 houses to get to his house..was able to go up one outside stair, but needed help up the steps to the porch (thanks, Matt!)..but I was on my feet more tonight with no problem! The stairs were somewhat easier to climb (Matt was being nice and helping me, but I could have done it without him) and I never felt like I was going to fall..

Even though I wanted to sit, I was able to go down the stairs easily and it wasn't that slow..

Jenn and Matt's brother helped me down that huge step, but everything else was fine and I walked to my car with no problem..

I WASN'T EVEN WORN OUT!!!

YAY!

I'm hoping to be able to move up to Columbus by the end of the year..

Well, I'm saying by my birthday, then by September, and then by the year and maybe I'll actually accomplish it!

I'm thinking of maybe seeing if anyone would like to go on a road trip or I might go alone (but what fun is a road trip without friends?) to again "throw myself into the fire" and see how well I can cope on my own..

If I can go on a road trip (or two) and am ok doing that, I could maybe try like a trial month of living on my own somewhere or something and then eventually move out..

I wanna move to Columbus so bad..imagine how much less the money for gas will be and I wouldn't have to plan to leave an hour early!

I'd also lose weight because I won't feel as if I was competing for food..and the lack of money would cause a lack of food and for me, if it's out of sight, it's out of mind..

Other than that, I've been complaining all day about the mean Speedway people who don't help people..

I tried to calculate the weight of a 12 pack of soda and I came out with 8-9 lbs. so that's about 40 pounds I was hoping to carry to my car (on the far side of the lot because the handicapped spots were taken)..and I'm used to lifting only 5 pounds and sometimes 10 (but not for long periods of time)..I took them one at a time and eventually moved my car closer..

I didn't really eat this morning and by the 3rd or 4th 12pack I was about to pass out..but no one helped even when I asked..

I was still able to do it, but it wore me out and I almost passed out while driving..

Whatever..I'm still not losing ANY weight!!! Even after working out everyday..And the scales at school show me as 10 pounds heavier than the ones at home do :o( I need to lose 35 pounds (at least)!

I'm thinking of signing up to get help from a personal trainer..

I guess I'm just too hopeful and you really can't see that quick of results..

Maybe I'll go on Sudefed..as if I had a cold for a couple of days..it raises my blood sugar and that keeps me from being hungry :o)

Classes

YAY!!! Jon said I only need Math 103 and Advanced Audio to graduate! I'm graduating in the SPRING!!!! WEE!!

Then I'm coming back lol..

So I dropped the other classes and added Classical Mythology..

So my schedule:

Monday:

11 a.m. - 1 p.m. ~ Classical Mythology
6 p.m. - whenever ~ Cougar News construction

Tuesday and Thursday:

9 a.m. - 11 a.m. ~ Advanced Audio Production
11 a.m. - 12:30 p.m. ~ Math 103

Wednesday:

11 a.m. - 1 p.m. ~ Classical Mythology
3 p.m. - 5 p.m. ~ Student Ambassador Meeting

Friday:

11 a.m. - 1 p.m. ~ Classical Mythology

Mythology will be easy and hopefully fun..

Some Poetry from Me

some old, some new:

Old, part of a song I was writing:

"Go on now, say goodbye
As I wipe and hide away all my tears
Remembering the times you said, 'I love you'
And smiled away my fears"

There was more, but I forgot it and never wrote it down..

A weird one using my deja vu moments for inspiration:

"It kills me
To remember being with you before
It kills me
To realize you never were

And it kills me
To wish you were with me still
And it kills me
To know you never will"

In our psych class, my teacher shows us songs that are by people with psychological disorders..

Well, I decided to write something about my deja vu moments:

I've already told you everything
I ever wanted you to know
I've told you seven times
With eight more times to go

Hell is never growing
Never learning from my mistakes
Hell is always repeating
The exact ones I have always made

One thing I don't remember is
Just how I have always sinned
Deja vu, I'm living this life again

Chorus:

Deja vu
I'm living this life
Deja vu
This same old life
This same old life
Deja vu
This life is still filled with strife
Deja vu
I'm living this life
All over again

I've already told you everything
I ever wanted you to know
The life that plays before me
Plays for me again just for show

Hoping that this foresight I now have
Will lead me along the way
Hoping to escape this dream-like prison
That only I, myself, have made

Being in brand new places
Where I have already been
I'm living this world again

Deja vu
I'm living this world
Deja vu
This same old world
This same old life
Deja vu
This world is still filled with strife
Deja vu
I'm living this world
All over again

[a verse I haven't written yet]

Deja vu
I'm living this reality
Deja vu
This same old reality
This same old life
Deja vu
This reality is still filled with strife
Deja vu
I'm living this life
All over again

All over again..


I was trying to show the repetition and how I've seen everything over and over..I feel like I'm RE-learning everything..

I often question why i'm here and why it's repeating..

I believe "Hell" could be not learning from mistakes and not progressing to the next life..and so you repeat the same life..

Thing is, WHAT DID I DO TO GO TO HELL??

I have a weird feeling that I could have killed myself in my past lives (repeats of this life)..and I hope that kind of belief would keep me from killing myself in the future..

I know it sounds like Intern's Disorder (diagnosing myself), but I think my depression is endogenous..

It only happens around my period or when my blood sugar is low or I'm not eating well..

Bad thing is, if it's based on hormones, I'm going to go nuts someday when I have kids..

Maybe I'll just eat a lot of cheese and chocolate lol..

That makes me hungry..
Feb. 2nd, 2006 @ 10:50 pm
» Update
Jon emailed me! Maybe I won't have to take all those classes! YAY!!!!!
Jan. 30th, 2006 @ 12:41 pm
» Other Shit
Oh, why do I cuss more when I'm tired and stressed and full of caffeine? I usually don't cuss that much unless I am..

But yeah, some other crap happening..most I can't talk about here..but it will be at my secret blog..

Basically..opportunities keep coming at me, but I'm too chicken to take them..

what's with my confidence (or the lack of I should say) lately? I can't even do my psych. experiement! I need a friend to help me!

Other than that, my dreams are keeping me entertained as usual and the Stroll was similar to a dream I had about 3 or so months ago..it even had red shirts!!! but the good parts of the dream didn't happen litterally, but kinda symbolically..

I didn't get done with my projects and tomorrow is full..

Geez! I have to get tons of kisses (chocolate) to give to the different departments on campus for Valentine's Day!

I also have to find something to make it so I can give something to my friends..I was thinking about doing this last year, but didn't..but after hearing Matt talk about Valentine's Day, I decided to do it this year, but better..but I'm lacking one item or (s) to do it for everyone..

I hope to make people laugh..

*sigh* I was going to get my hair styled Saturday, but I was too tired, so I'm getting it styled next Sunday at 1pm..I'm also going to buy the dress I almost bought..

Of course it's black..and of course it's a halter dress (so comfy!)..since it's black, it should look better than that light blue dress I wore to the college prom back in July..ironically, it shows more skin..then I have to buy better shoes..I hate those clunky boot-looking things I've worn for years..

But at least I'll have something dressy (gawd, I hate dressing up!) for the Athritis Foundation Gala thing in a couple of weeks..
Jan. 30th, 2006 @ 01:18 am

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